I ended up having a great time at RomantiCon® so I'm very happy that I went despite how badly I've been doing lately. It was great to see old friends and make some new ones. The Cavemen's performance this year was off-the-charts wicked thanks to the very talented Georgio and his phenomenal choreography. Nick Soto won Alpha this year, which couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Now that R-Con is over, it's time for me to take care of myself. My panic attacks, anxiety, and depression over the last 6 weeks or so have gotten so far out of hand that, to be blunt, suicidal impulses constantly plague me. Twice I have been a hair's breath away from seeing it through and... well I just can't do that to my kids. I love them too much to put them through the mental hell I currently call home.
I leave for the Los Angeles area tomorrow and will be receiving intensive, structured, residential, therapy for as long as it takes to get better. Out of respect for the anonymity of the other 5 women being treated at the same time as I am, I can't say exactly where I'll be, but beaches and sunshine will be involved :) Phone, email, and the internet are not permitted there for a minimum of 30 days so I won't be able to tweet so much as a hello until mid-November.
Thank you for all the kindness and empathy soooo many of you have shown me during this dark period in my life. I will carry all your hugs, kisses, and words of encouragement with me to California. A very special thank you to Laurann Dohner, Mr. Laurann, Temple, Erin Sanchez, Shoshanna, Jose, Thelmer, Ma & Pop... you all are awesomeness personified.
Cave Chaos WILL continue in my absence, with Thelmer taking my place while I'm gone. (Oh boy lol.) We've got a lot of guest authors, models, and other personalities lined up so be sure to keep tuning in every Monday at noon (Eastern time) for a fun show!
Lastly, to my daughters...
Mommy loves you. I am doing this for you even more than I am for myself. I know I have a difficult time expressing emotions on a regular basis, but never doubt that my love for you is anything less than unconditional and all-consuming. Without you, nothing matters to me. With you, I can do anything. I will beat this. You WILL get your old mom back, perhaps even a better version of her. We WILL travel the world together again, eat home-cooked dinners together every night again, laugh together again, and express emotions without fear of me having an attack. We'll argue and have times where we piss each other off, but I even look forward to those moments because I'll be able to handle them.
Mommy will miss you sooooo damn much while I'm gone. You are the most amazing daughters any woman could ever be blessed with.