The last time you heard from me I was in the midst of a very embarrassing, and very public, meltdown. I might not have taken things to the Charlie Sheen level of warlock blood and cohabitation with two broke-down goddesses, but it was a definite meltdown nonetheless. I was feeling (and still feel) very overwhelmed by health, work, and personal struggles that I'm facing. It's one of those scenarios where all things have to be dealt with right away and I more or less felt ambushed... and totally lost.
I stayed in bed for two more days— no food, no drink, no TV, no baths, no nothing. I just laid there and cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore. (Somehow my dehydrated self always managed to produce more tears no matter what.) And then this morning I woke up to find these two annoying goober-ass men named Jose & Thelmer in my house...
They wouldn't go away and they wouldn't leave me alone. Thelmer, wanting to help but not sure how to, cleaned up around my house while Jose forced me to do things I had no will or energy to do. He made me coffee and told me to drink it. He forced me to brush my teeth. He nagged me to get dressed so we could go get some fresh air and food. I whined and complained, but he would not give up. I tried to plea bargain with him, even offered him a lot of money— no and no. And then he hugged me. I bawled like a baby. But...
He. Would. Not. Go. Away.
Neither of them would for that matter, even if Thelmer was quieter about it.
The next thing I know Jose has talked me into my clothes (a first for a man, I know) and even shoes. I held steadfast over my bra, though, and refused to wear one because I didn't want dragged into a restaurant when I felt like crawling into a hole and dying. Five minutes later I was in the passenger seat of my car (he loves my car) with the windows rolled down and fresh air beating me in the face while he drove. The sky was blue, the sun warm, and the breeze refreshing. He tried to get me to laugh, but I wasn't ready.
A half hour later, we pulled into a park and sat there while we ate eggs, toast, and drank sweet tea. At some point, though I'm not sure when, he managed to coax a couple of smiles out of me. He kept reiterating that a lot of people love me and I wouldn't have to face anything alone. He also kept reminding me of all the strength I have inside and that I'm a bitch who doesn't take no for an answer. I wasn't ready to concede, but I definitely heard what he said. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it.
Later that evening my mom came over and did what only a mother can do— she gave me hope that everything would work out in the end. We both did a lot of crying, but the tears were healthy ones. She promised me that I wouldn't face this breast cancer nightmare alone and that if it turned out I needed chemotherapy she would move in and take care of me. She told me not to put pressure on myself to write specific stories and to just see what happens. She let me know that there was no "me," only "we."
I don't know what's going to happen next. In terms of work, the 3 musketeers have talked me into staying on Cave Chaos. Writing is going to be taken in stride and without pressuring myself. And all the medical stuff, from my breasts to my memory problems to my Panic Disorder... we'll tackle those issues one at a time in terms of their priority.
I want to apologize to everyone for my public meltdown. I loathe online drama so creating it is, to say the least, extremely humiliating. I also want to say thank you and I love you to my mom and my 2 goobers. Ma, you're the best mother a woman can ask for. Thelmer, you're insane but I wouldn't have you any other way. Joser, you're still a piñata popping man-whore, but hey, you're my piñata popping man-whore. And to all my readers, listeners and friends who sent me encouraging texts, tweets and emails... thank you. I really am a blessed woman.
~ Jaid
